Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Jesus As Wingman

Growing up in Utah, I have always been aware of polygamy, and polygamists. In junior high there were four girls in my grade who dressed in long blue dresses every day and wore their hair in braids like Laura Ingalls. They lived in two houses next to each other, both surrounded by tall, cylindrical hedges. It was the bushes that really gave them away. Without them they could have just been neighbors that were trying to start a new "pioneer girl" trend. With them though, everyone knew these girls were sisters, and their Moms were sister wives.

This was the closest approximation I could find on Google image search.

In years since I have observed multiple court cases involving polygamy, and met people who are either directly involved, or have family involved in the lifestyle. I've had time to really think about polygamy, and reach some conclusions about it. The main thing I have decided? Polygamy is a plot to get girls thought up by ugly and/or creepy guys who otherwise wouldn't have a shot in hell.

Think about it. Have you ever seen a good looking polygamist? Warren Jeffs? Nope. Tom Green? Nope. Kody Brown? That dude looks like he stole Dorothy Hamill's haircut. Yet, all of these men have convinced multiple women to marry them, and sleep with them on a regular basis, using the ultimate pick up line: "Jesus wants you to."

That pick up line allows a guy to be weird, boring, smelly, and make no effort at all in the relationship, and the woman has to go along with it, because of the Lord Almighty. Now, yes, only a certain kind of woman will go along with it; but they are still living, breathing women, which is a lot better than most of these guys would do under any other circumstances.

No wonder fathers have passed this down to sons, and have groomed their daughters to become other men's wives. Also, no wonder men hardly ever leave the lifestyle. One gets ready to leave and the other men call him in and say "you realize this means you will never see a woman naked again." BAM! He's back in the fold. It also explains why the societies are so closed. It isn't that they fear others ridiculing. They fear someone will let the women know that nowhere in the scripture does it say Jesus runs a heavenly Match.com.

You almost have to give them props for figuring out such an elaborate scheme -- I mean, before you remember that it often involves the rape of underage girls. Oh, and that often taxpayers end up footing the bills for their massive families because many of the wives go on public assistance to make ends up. Okay, maybe "almost" is a little much.

I wonder if they use the Jesus line to convince their wives those hedges look good in the yard too...

22 comments:

Amanda said...

Libby, I hate it when you are funny.

I can help you sell your home or find your new home. Give me a call! said...

I think Kody Brown is trying to do a Brigham Young haircut. ;)

Summer said...

Most problems of the world go back to men with bad hair and no game. Great post, by the way.

Riot Kitty said...

I never thought of that ;) Man, it must be weird knowing people who do that.

dufmanno said...

Considering what happened to that crazy ass butter touchdown Jesus statue a few months ago, these guys may want to rethink their tag line.
Because Jesus wa.......oh MY GOD LOOK AT THE LIGHTNING AND FLAMES!!!
On a lighter note I'd like to add that I would have gone bonkers for kids who I thought were dressing like Little House on the Prairie because I was riveted by that show and poor blind Mary.

Riot Kitty said...

PS I just realized there is no sarcasm font, so it may not have been obvious that the second sentences was a spoof. People are into some really weird shit out here.

LL Cool Joe said...

Wow, it looks like I need to change my image if I'm gonna get loads of women to sleep with me!

Nice bushes.

Kelley said...

You are taking me back to Jon Kraukauer's book "Under the Banner of Heaven" that I read last year. You are so right!! Ew, ew, and ewwww. Those hedges freak me out, too. Also? One of the water aerobics ladies WAS "nekkid". Does that make the story better? Did I already address this question on your blog? Sorry if I am repeating myself... :)

G said...

Should be an interesting to-do coming up between the state and that new reality show on TLC, eh?

BugginWord said...

Hey but those wives on Big Love are relatively smoking, no? I swear I don't know why I love that show so much. I wonder if there's a way to do a mash up with that one and my other favorite show, Glee. Heh.

Sam said...

I would laugh but I think you're absolutely right. Well, I did have to laugh about "Jesus wants you to." People have used that argument on me sooooo many times, and I have to admit it's always persuasive. ;)

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

Jesus wants me to have a sister-wife living here to do the laundry. Any takers? It is His will, afterall.

Rassles said...

I have a friend that speaks in preacher-talk, and I want to slap her. You know how all preachers are like subconsciously trained to emphasize words a certain way and wear a certain crazy peaceful expression on their faces? I don't trust that shit.

And that's what this reminded me of. For some reason. Stupid polygamists.

Kelly said...

I was waiting for your take on this. Watching "Sister Wives" is kind of like watching "Hoarders" it's a train wreck you can't stop watching.

Pearl said...

Just bought Krakauer's "Under the Banner of Heaven". Have you read it?

There's a lot of weirdness in the good ol' US of A...

Oh, and have gotten permission from the Guy Upstairs to seek out some Brother Husbands. I am so psyched - I may never have to take out the garbage again!

Pearl

Pearl said...

p.s. I don't care how ya Brigham, just Brigham Young.

Sorry. Jesus wanted me to say that.

Kim said...

I think the women are in on the scam too 'cause I would love to have a cooking, cleaning, child-watching sister wife.

melistress.com said...

Within the confines of religious organizations which manipulate and force young women into polygamous marriage where they are treated as property, entertainment, and baby machines, I Have a problem with polygamy. However, between two or more consenting adults who have thoughtfully chosen a lifestyle where they share one or more spouses to share their life with, I do not.

The problem for me isn't polygamy itself, but the organizations which employ and force it upon their members.

Jules said...

Wait. I think I need a sister wife too. But I don't want all of the rugrats running around.....Hmmmmm..... Maybe Hubby just needs a mistress that likes to clean and cook for me.

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Oh God this makes me crazy. Underage Girls is the key here. Underage Girls! "Marrying" gross nasty old men. It shouldn't be called polygamy. It should be called pedophilia.

Ellie

Daniel said...

1. I'm ashamed that I was immediately able to picture the Dorothy Hamill haircut.

2. You strike me as pretty damn cool.

That is all.

Waiting Lisa said...

LOL