Jesus As Wingman

Growing up in Utah, I have always been aware of polygamy, and polygamists. In junior high there were four girls in my grade who dressed in long blue dresses every day and wore their hair in braids like Laura Ingalls. They lived in two houses next to each other, both surrounded by tall, cylindrical hedges. It was the bushes that really gave them away. Without them they could have just been neighbors that were trying to start a new "pioneer girl" trend. With them though, everyone knew these girls were sisters, and their Moms were sister wives.

This was the closest approximation I could find on Google image search.

In years since I have observed multiple court cases involving polygamy, and met people who are either directly involved, or have family involved in the lifestyle. I've had time to really think about polygamy, and reach some conclusions about it. The main thing I have decided? Polygamy is a plot to get girls thought up by ugly and/or creepy guys who otherwise wouldn't have a shot in hell.

Think about it. Have you ever seen a good looking polygamist? Warren Jeffs? Nope. Tom Green? Nope. Kody Brown? That dude looks like he stole Dorothy Hamill's haircut. Yet, all of these men have convinced multiple women to marry them, and sleep with them on a regular basis, using the ultimate pick up line: "Jesus wants you to."

That pick up line allows a guy to be weird, boring, smelly, and make no effort at all in the relationship, and the woman has to go along with it, because of the Lord Almighty. Now, yes, only a certain kind of woman will go along with it; but they are still living, breathing women, which is a lot better than most of these guys would do under any other circumstances.

No wonder fathers have passed this down to sons, and have groomed their daughters to become other men's wives. Also, no wonder men hardly ever leave the lifestyle. One gets ready to leave and the other men call him in and say "you realize this means you will never see a woman naked again." BAM! He's back in the fold. It also explains why the societies are so closed. It isn't that they fear others ridiculing. They fear someone will let the women know that nowhere in the scripture does it say Jesus runs a heavenly Match.com.

You almost have to give them props for figuring out such an elaborate scheme -- I mean, before you remember that it often involves the rape of underage girls. Oh, and that often taxpayers end up footing the bills for their massive families because many of the wives go on public assistance to make ends up. Okay, maybe "almost" is a little much.

I wonder if they use the Jesus line to convince their wives those hedges look good in the yard too...