Thursday, July 22, 2010

So NOT Fun Bags

I am tired of my boobs.

Don't get me wrong, I am usually very glad to have them. I have been told many, many times that they are one of my best attributes. They are fun to dress up in low cut dresses and blouses. They help me win arguments with my husband. I really do like them, most of the time. Right now though, they are just a pain in the ass.

Part of it is the heat. When the weather is hot, my boobs seem bigger, heavier, and just more THERE. I am always aware of them. When I am typing at my desk, they crowd against my arms. When I am drying my hair they stare back at me in the mirror, the biggest thing in the picture. No shirt When I am outside I can feel the sweat gathering underneath them, above them, and between them. It is not a cooling feeling at all, but a sticky one, that leaves me wondering if I am about to get "boob marks" on my shirt.

Oh, and don't even get me started on my bra. I am ALWAYS messing with it. The straps slip. Or the underwire digs. Or the clasp is coming undone. Or the cups are slipping. Honestly, there are days I mess with my bra so much I'm worried that someone in my office is going to sue me for sexual harassment. I try to be discreet, but I can only do so much and still get my job done. I don't think I am wearing the wrong size either, I just think that my bra is channeling the energy of my boobs.

It would be so nice if I could just take my boobs off once in a while. Just hang them in the closet and wear a summer tank top out in public without worrying that I look like a pagan fertility idol. Or go to sleep in the days before my period without wondering if one of those ridiculous boob separators would help me sleep better. Maybe I would even go to the swimming pool without wearing what feels like three ace bandages around my chest, all in the name of decency. Oh, what a glorious day that would be!

Sigh.

Well, I guess it could be worse. I could have balls. I hear those things are a real nightmare.

27 comments:

FabuLeslie said...

So... many... thoughts...

1) The detachable penis song. Do you know it? (too lazy and ignorant to make a link)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Detachable_Penis

2) I wrote a post about boob sweat today and then read another one too. The heat must be making a collective boob energy that is troubling.

3) I recently ordered some non-underwire (wireless?) bras on the advice of 2 friends who said they are so comfy AND supportive these days. Umm.. no. My underwire ones are WAY more comfy. Who knew??

4) I have never heard of these boob separators of which you speak. Going to check them out after I post this comment.

5) Regarding penises and balls, in the words of Elaine Benes: "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things!"

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Oh my gosh, this post made my day. I wasn't even going to read blogs today but I stumbled on this one in my reader.

Woman, I can SOOOO relate! Everytime I move at work, I have to re-adjust my girls in the stupid bra, which I also know is the right size unless those girls at Victoria's Secret are just selling me the wrong size on purpose.

Thanks for making my day with your post. You really cheered me up!

Hugs and love,
T

The Vegetable Assassin said...

People (re: men) just don't appreciate what a pain in the neck (ha!) boobs can be. I mean try running anywhere without strapping those puppies down. Jiggle much? Sure if you're a tiny A cup you can pretty much ignore them but once they actually are protuding fleshy mounds, as in over a B you have to do all sorts of things to appease them.

For example there's no way I'm ever going out braless because the second any other garment touches them my nipples spring into action like tiny bullets. I'd look like a porn star. I hate even wearing a tank and no bra at home.

Plus I can relate to your pre-period thing. They just seem to expand a cup size. You don't know what to do with them. And they hurt! Damn things are in the large C/small D arena as it is, they don't NEED to be any larger, thanks. I agree with the green-eyed momster too, no underwire = no point.

for a different kind of girl said...

I think boobs were what the powers that be were thinking of when they came up with the phrase 'a blessing and a curse.'

SRR said...

My breast reduction surgery, done to relieve neck pain, has had so many extra benefits such as getting rid of all those problems you mention. Or at least most of them. I'm not flat, just not huge.

I don't miss my big ones at all.

Badass Geek said...

One word: Batwings.

Look it up on Urban Dictionary.

You'll be glad you have books instead of balls.

Amanda said...

How the hell did you find a boob separator?
In this heat, there is no such thing as a comfortable bra.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

I'll take my boobs over balls any day of the week and twice on Sundays. Seriously.. can you imagine two sweaty flesh bags thumbing you in the ass as you walked?

Dr. MVM said...

Boobs, don't leave home without them. ( I take my middle aged man boobs with me where ever I go. And my balls as well.)

Riot Kitty said...

LMAO at that last line! I should try that way of winning arguments...

Granny Annie said...

I believe you said it well for all of us. It is a matter of rejoicing for me that I no longer go into the workplace each day. Farm life does not require a bra which helps some but there is no cure for the heat and sweat.

Kim said...

I am a big girl with B-cup boobs. Nature's greatest practical joke. Shut yer complaining.

JenS said...

Oh boy, I almost spit my drink of water out on this post because just before I took said sip I adjusted my bra for maybe the 1000th time today. Thanks for the laugh.

Kelly said...

I think especially big boobed women have this bra adjusting thing to do every 5 minutes of the day. I know that I do, there is nearly no way around it.

My small boobed friends were just all in a huddle being amazed at how wonderful their new Vicky bra's were at giving them the "look" of having boobs. They still didn't have any. Then they went on to tell me about the one that had "nipples"...now, why in the world would you want your bra to have nipples self implanted on it? Isn't that part of the point of wearing a bra?

lisa adams said...

I had a double mastectomy 3 years ago. My boobs were not big and were pretty floppy (I was 37 and had 3 kids) but now I have new silicone ones that stand at attention and don't bounce. Breasts were a liability to me after I was diagnosed with cancer. I rarely miss them, though losing feeling in my chest was a definite downside. My complaints about my implants are there, but all in all, I am happy with where I am... healthy and alive.

Reduction surgery would be a lifesaver for you I bet!

One Blonde Girl said...

Okay, so my boobs aren't particularly big (except during PMS, at which point they decide to triple in size and become so excruciatingly painful I can't even sleep), however, I can totally relate to your woes. They're always slipping out of my bra, and I'm constantly fidgeting with my bra all day long. And I can't even imagine, as FabuLeslie pointed out, going wireless.

Ugh. And boob sweat is the worst. So super gross. However, I'm sure it is much easier for us to stand in front of a fan and cool them off for a moment than it is for a man to do so with his balls. Score one for us?

justmakingourway said...

Ugh. PMS boobs are the worst. PMS boobs in the summer = boob sweat marks no matter how hard I try to stand up straight.

I'm behind the removable idea. Let me know when you've got that worked out.

Me, You, or Ellie said...

This is hilarious, even if I have no earthly idea what you are talking about. I don't even fill an A cup. But it sounds like sometimte that's a plus, right?

Okay, so not when trying to win arguments with my husband...

Dr. MVM, you are hilarious. You must be a sweaty mess!

Beth

PattyPunker said...

boobs are pretty, but balls are just wrinkly and icky.

ps: boob sweat sucks monkey balls.

Aunt Becky said...

I really, REALLY want a boob reduction. Like for reals.

Ellen said...

i can't stop giggling about this post!

i've been complaining about my boobs to my husband non-stop... ever since i had my baby. imagine all your complaints... and then add that they are FILLED WITH MILK ALL THE TIME! Ugh. Sooooo annoying. Boob sweat = THE WORST.

Also, before I even read this post today... I came across this and though of you:

http://www.thebeerbelly.com/The_Winerack_p/200-007.htm

The Wine Rack. A Bra that holds 25 ounces of liquid... enough to hold an entire bottle fo wine! It also increases your chest size 2 inches!

I was all excited to show it to you... and explain how you could smuggle wine anywhere you want! But now, it actually seems like some sort of cruel, cruel joke...

Jules said...

I went in last summer to see about a boob reduction. The Dr. told me I was TOO SMALL. TOO SMALL. So I either have to gain a LOT of weight or pay for it on my own $8000. Boo. Hiss.

He then suggested just a lift. Again. Boo. Hiss.

Jill VT said...

What is your cup size? I'm just curious when a good size becomes a burden...

Lara said...

Please don't forget the black eyes after attempting to jog a few steps. Still looking for the right over the shoulder boulder holder.

LL Cool Joe said...

I'll take the balls any day, so to speak.

Sam said...

My boobs have been driving me nuts, too. I feel like you're helping to spread the news about this unspoken syndrome.

Tracie said...

I prefer boobs to balls. At least they're prettier.