Monday, June 7, 2010

Small Stature, Big Impact

Gary Coleman died, and now I'm sad.

At first, I was just sad because I no longer had a "go to" guess every time a celebrity died. Then I was sad because I wondered if Sam would miss his favorite story subject. Then I was hungry because I skipped lunch. I had a really good sandwich, and then I was sad again, because I realized Gary would never get to have another sandwich, and I didn't even know if he liked sandwiches. I knew so little about the man who was my favorite choice for "which celebrity will die next," that I felt I had no right to even play that game at all.

I slipped into a funk.

I tried to hide my sadness behind a bravado of jokes. I told people Todd Bridges was interviewed on the Today Show but was crying so hard no one knew what he was talkin' 'bout. I started a petition to get Emmanuel Lewis to move to Utah to fill the hole left by Gary. I even, shamefully, circulated this photo of Gary's supposed casket. Not funny, and a bit cruel, I know, but I was trying to deal with my pain.

Stolen from a blog more tasteless than this one.

After that I just felt sad and dirty.

Now, I just don't know what to do. I keep thinking I see him in the distance, or that I hear his voice. My heart races until I realize that it's not him; that's it's just my mind wanting him to be there so badly. I find myself wishing I were his ex-wife or parents, just so I could be arguing over his remaining assets and who gets to dispose of his corpse.

Actually, I wouldn't want to see him dead. I would rather remember Gary this way:


I know. That picture is almost too much perfection for anyone to take. And now, it's all we have left of them. I mean, it soon will be all we have left of them. No one thinks Hasselhoff is making it through the year, do they?

Oh! New contest entry! Yay!

Now, I'm hungry again.

14 comments:

Riot Kitty said...

Holy cow, that picture!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

That picture is in the dictionary under "PERFECTION". :) Thank you!

Eternally Distracted said...

Grief is a terrible thing... have another sandwich and let's hope that Gary is calling for the Hoff

Granny Annie said...

Had not seen the casket. Laughed. Sorry:(

Jules said...

My condolences. For real. Well, kind of. I always thought he was creepy.

Amanda said...

You need help.

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

The Todd Bridges joke? Pure comic genius.

Melistress said...

It is a little known fact that the only reason I actually read celebrity gossip at all is to see who died. Funny I don't read the local obits though.

Catherine said...

He was really so cute when he was a little boy.....as a man, not so much. Wonder what Mrs. Garret is thinking.

C Lo said...

If Winehouse can hold out this long, The Hoff SURELY will make it to 2011. There, that's my bet.

Aunt Becky said...

I am totally hungry.

BugginWord said...

Oh good. Now I don't feel as bad for laughing so ridiculously hard at the picture of Betty White as the Highlander.

Just in case you missed it...
http://www.buzzfeed.com/donnad/there-can-be-only-one-bif

Kim said...

I don't mind you mocking Gary, but leave the Hoff alone.

Leslie said...

I love sandwiches....