Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Missing Links

If you are in New York and happen to see a hipster sprinting across the park, chasing a squirrel, don't call Bellevue. No, he hasn't escaped from a mental institution, he's just on a diet.

Yes, those wacky kids with too much time and too little disposable income have come up with a new fad: the caveman diet. I'm guessing it's for the people who thought urban chicken raising and only eating
food they could grow in between sidewalk cracks in Brooklyn is for wusses. The principle tenet of the diet is that cavemen were much healthier than we are now, and that by living like them, we will extend the length and enrich the quality of our lives. To this end, they eat large amounts of meat, and then fast for long periods. They don't go for runs, they go on "hunts," where they chase their prey and try to jump up trees in pursuit. They say the diet eliminates digestive problems, clarifies their mental state, and makes them smell really funky. Well, they didn't say that last part, but you know it has to be true.

Look at those abs...

This diet is most definitely doing good things for these people. I mean, I am sure at least one will get a book deal because of the article in the Times, and one or more might get laid, despite the funky smell. However, I don't think I will be trying it, mainly due to one fact: evolution.

We are not the same creatures we were thousands of years ago. If we were, I wouldn't be so concerned about plucking my eyebrows. Also, I wouldn't be whitening my teeth. Oh, and I definitely wouldn't be saving for retirement, since the average lifespan of a caveman was around 16 years. That's right, go to prom and die. But hey, at least you got to wear a loin cloth and eat raw meat.

I am 35 years old. I have outlived any caveman. Oh, and I have done it by eating processed food, and by not hunting my neighbor's cats. No, I might not get a NYT spread about my dining habits, but really, isn't the dining habits section just their version of a sideshow? It's like "we have the best food in the world and this guy is gnawing on frozen venison."

Well, maybe they could at least sell the concept to an ad agency. Or to ABC for a sitcom. If they add the live squirrel hunting it would be a huuuuuge hit.

Oh, yeah, cavemen didn't have sarcasm either.

11 comments:

Kim said...

People who follow this diet will probably shorten their lifespan-- Darwin's theory at it's best. With all the medical miracles we have now, stupidity is one of the few traits we can still count on to weed out the undesirables.

erin said...

I have a vision of a tall hipster in skinny jeans chasing a rabbit through the park now...

Hilarious Libs.

Me, You, or Ellie said...

I am *so* glad I'm not a caveman. Unless I was a caveman after coffee was invented. And wine.

Ellie

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Yuck. It's no wonder cavemen died immediatly after prom -- all that meat had rotted their colons.

I really wouldn't mind not having to pluck my eybrows though....

beth

calicobebop said...

Lol @ go to prom and die. Didn't we all? :)

Busted Kate said...

Hysterical. Rich people have way too much time on their hands. And I'm with you, except for the eating your neighbhor's cat's bit. You have to understand, it's mostly about the thrill of the hunt. ;-)

kys said...

The no sarcasm thing def. means I'm out.

Jen said...

It seems to me the diet didn't exactly extend the life of the caveman if he only lived to be 16. I'll take the Ding Dongs over hunting squirrel any day. We are about two years behind NY in any kind of cool fad so I guess I have this to look forward to in the restaurants. Damn.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I can't even stand the Geico commercials. There is no way I could do this diet, but the hunting cats things was hilarious.

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm still waiting for the all chick-fil-a diet to come out. When it does, I'm so getting on that bitch.

just making my way said...

I don't think that show would last long. Didn't they try that with those awful Gieco cavemen? Although, the thought of watching the cat hunting, and seeing the cat outsmart the human...that I might tune in for.