Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Tiger Woods' Penis

I need to start thinking more about Tiger Woods' penis, and how it affects my life.

No, I am not kidding. I think I have avoided the Tiger Woods' penis issue long en
ough. Think about it. Tiger's penis is powerful enough to crash cars. It is powerful enough to write a vague web post about "transgressions" that is more scrutinized than federal health care reform. It is powerful enough to send a 50-year old woman to the hospital with stomach pains -- and make that 50-year old woman a national "breaking news" headline. And it is powerful enough to turn every skank who has ever touched it into a celebrity. It could be the most powerful penis the nation, and so, I think it's time to figure out how it affects me.

I care about his junk.

First of all, I think it is very possible I have slept with Tiger Woods. Not directly, oh God no, I do not go for men in golf shirts. Also, his chin is a little weak for my taste. No, I think I have probably slept with him in the "when you sleep with someone you are sleeping with everyone they have ever slept with" kind of way. It's not that I was slutty, it's just that I have a couple exes that probably wouldn't pass up sleeping with a slutty Vegas cocktail waitress. You know, the same kind of cocktail waitress we now know Tiger's penis favors.

Even if I am not indirectly connected to Tiger's penis, I still need to consider the toll is it taking on my psyche. Tiger's penis has turned me into a bit of a crazy person. Every time I see a story about it on television I begin ranting, and raving -- practically foaming at the mouth, angry about the media attention it is getting when other things, like the war in Afghanistan and evil bank practices, are being ignored. Maybe though, my anger is not really about media scrutiny of a story that really should be a two line item on Page Six. Maybe it's because I know opening my heart, and letting Tiger Woods' penis into my life could change my whole world view, and maybe that makes me just a little scared.

Well, I am not going to be scared any more. I am going to embrace Tiger Woods' penis. I am going to think on it, and pray on it, and consider before I make any decision. WWTWPD -- that will be my motto. Hell, maybe Tiger's penis could even help me get over my feelings about Sarah Palin. After all, she's a pretty girl with lowish self-esteem -- what's not to like?

I am feeling better already. Lighter, freer, maybe a little dumber, but I think that will help me in the long run.

Thank you, Tiger Woods' penis.

25 comments:

Amanda said...

Oh sister dear, this was easily the most disturbing post you have ever written. Now I am sitting at my desk, laughing at a levity brought about by Tiger Woods' penis.

Wait, you are right - it is an amazing penis. Possibly a world changing penis.

Amanda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kacie said...

I am now contemplating Tiger Woods; penis vs. Sarah Palin... Thanks?

Haha...

Emily said...
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Emily said...

Hilarious Lib. You are brilliant.

Jules said...

I was going to defriend you if you slept with men who wear golf shirts.

Marinka said...

fantastic. The post. And probably the penis.

KAM said...

You crack me up! "I care about his junk." Too funny. I am so sick of hearing about this. It's barely been out, and is going to end up being the next "Jon and Kate" story that we hear about for months on end. There are so many more important things out there, I just can't believe how worked up everyone is getting over it. So golf's greatest is a whore, are we really that surprised? No.

Badass Geek said...

All this talk about his driver, and you don't want to be his caddy?

erin said...

Egggsellent. But don't get too carried away with Wood's penis...they reported on E News last night that he never wears condoms...


WOW.

Sarah Bellum said...

I think the only thing to do here is put a badge on your site that says, "Penis for President."

That's one hard vote.

But please, Libby, just be a penis promoter. They can hire someone else to be the penis handler... and with that I'm done with the bad puns. Blame Sarah Palin's penis.

melistress said...

I am beginning to think we were separated at birth.

calicobebop said...

LOL!! I love it - yes, WWTWPD should be your new slogan.

Kim said...

You should try it from my neck of the woods, where golf reigns supreme. Hey, you should count the number of times penis is mentioned and challenge others to break your record.

Sam said...

Oh dear, now I'm worried I might have slept with Tiger Woods, too.

And I'm having trouble shaking the image of you embracing TW's penis.

Busted Kate said...

Thanks for the follow, following you right back! Your site is AWESOME!!! I love it!! Can't wait to get to know ya :-)

Summer said...

He DOES have an incredibly weak chin. I'm glad you're embracing Tiger's penis. I've probably indirectly slept with Tiger Woods too. From the sound of it, we all probably have. :)

thepsychobabble said...

hilarious, and brilliant. Yet a little disturbing.

I think I just fell in love.

well read hostess said...

Marry me.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

I was sent here by a Widow for one Year. Thank goodness; hysterical!
Thanks.

RuthWells said...

Five degrees of penis separation?...

RuthWells said...

I mean SIX! SIX degrees of penis... oh, never mind.

MemeGRL said...

You think Sarah Palin has lowish self-esteem? Really? Hadn't considered that angle myself.
Fun post. Thanks!

Kelly said...

That caption is priceless, as is the post. Thanks for the laugh.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I cannot wait for my husband to read this tonight. He is going to love it. Thanks for the laugh!