I need to start thinking more about Tiger Woods' penis, and how it affects my life.
No, I am not kidding. I think I have avoided the Tiger Woods' penis issue long enough. Think about it. Tiger's penis is powerful enough to crash cars. It is powerful enough to write a vague web post about "transgressions" that is more scrutinized than federal health care reform. It is powerful enough to send a 50-year old woman to the hospital with stomach pains -- and make that 50-year old woman a national "breaking news" headline. And it is powerful enough to turn every skank who has ever touched it into a celebrity. It could be the most powerful penis the nation, and so, I think it's time to figure out how it affects me.
First of all, I think it is very possible I have slept with Tiger Woods. Not directly, oh God no, I do not go for men in golf shirts. Also, his chin is a little weak for my taste. No, I think I have probably slept with him in the "when you sleep with someone you are sleeping with everyone they have ever slept with" kind of way. It's not that I was slutty, it's just that I have a couple exes that probably wouldn't pass up sleeping with a slutty Vegas cocktail waitress. You know, the same kind of cocktail waitress we now know Tiger's penis favors.
Even if I am not indirectly connected to Tiger's penis, I still need to consider the toll is it taking on my psyche. Tiger's penis has turned me into a bit of a crazy person. Every time I see a story about it on television I begin ranting, and raving -- practically foaming at the mouth, angry about the media attention it is getting when other things, like the war in Afghanistan and evil bank practices, are being ignored. Maybe though, my anger is not really about media scrutiny of a story that really should be a two line item on Page Six. Maybe it's because I know opening my heart, and letting Tiger Woods' penis into my life could change my whole world view, and maybe that makes me just a little scared.
Well, I am not going to be scared any more. I am going to embrace Tiger Woods' penis. I am going to think on it, and pray on it, and consider before I make any decision. WWTWPD -- that will be my motto. Hell, maybe Tiger's penis could even help me get over my feelings about Sarah Palin. After all, she's a pretty girl with lowish self-esteem -- what's not to like?
I am feeling better already. Lighter, freer, maybe a little dumber, but I think that will help me in the long run.
Thank you, Tiger Woods' penis.