Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Panic at the Nursery

I was going to blog today about the absurdity of the Michael Jackson funeral, and how I just can't wrap my head around this absolutely insane outpouring of grief for a man that has been largely ridiculed and villainized by the very people now praising him. I think it's the product of a perfect storm of absolutely no other news and Jackson's ability to sell tickets, no matter what the situation. I was going to write about that, I really was. And it was going to be funny. Really funny. However, those plans are being thrown out, due to the fact I can't really focus on anything else besides the fact that we might be getting a baby, and the fact I am totally panicked about it.

For almost three years we have been working towards this moment. We have spent thousands of dollars on medical treatments and then adoption agencies, and thousands of hours in emotional turmoil over the fact out efforts have not been successful. Now, we are just weeks away from quite possibly becoming parents, and I am freaking out. Oh, and I am not just freaking out because we might not get this baby. I mean, don't get me wrong, that is causing me plenty of grief. The fact that we will not know if this baby is ours until at least 24 hours after her birth, and that at any moment the rug can be pulled out from under us has me constantly hyperventilating. Beyond that though, there is a greater fear -- that we will actually get to bring her home.

What if it turns out I don't really like children? I mean, I do like them, but what if it turns out I only like them in small doses? What if three hours after bringing this baby into our home I am waiting for someone to come and pick her up? What if I don't bond with her? If I always think of her as some kid who came to live with us, and not our own daughter? Worse yet, what if she doesn't bond with me? What if she hates me? I mean, it's hard to believe, but some people don't like me. She could be one of those people.

Oh, and then there is the fact I have gotten exactly NOTHING done that I wanted to do before the baby arrived. I have not lost any weight. I have not cleaned out the room. I haven't socked away near enough money. And now I feel like I don't want to do any of that. I'm kind of in a coma, and it feels like all I can do is think about the fact I am going to die.

I know they say having a child makes you immortal, but really, I feel the most mortal I ever have. The fact I could soon have a child shows I am aging, and reaffirms the fact I will die. Oh, and now I have to worry about this baby dying as well. Not just the big death either, but all the little deaths that we suffer throughout our lives, that this child will have to suffer, that I won't be able to protect her from suffering.

I think you can now see why I am not writing about Michael Jackson.

I am hoping all of these anxieties are only temporary. I am hoping that the joy and excitement of having a child I felt when we first began this process returns, and perhaps intensifies when she becomes a part of our family. That's what I hope. Until that happens I will just be taking deep breaths, and trying to keep calm. Oh, and maybe I'll finally start setting up the nursery. No promises though.

30 comments:

calicobebop said...

Yes, I can completely understand why you're not writing about MJ - holy cow!

I'm very happy for you and I hope that the stress levels go down a little so that you're able to enjoy the event. It will be a life-changer! I can't wait to hear all about it!

Fish said...

I hope you find joyful, too! I think, though, that when you realize the dream - and are IN the actual moment - everything will fall into place.

Jules said...

That's AWESOME news! And I know that these fears are real but from friends of mine who have adopted, I think you'll feel differently after it happens. You'll be the mom and feel like it. Now go clean out that room. :)

erin said...

There's this chick Sam who adopted four years ago and has a lovely daughter named Jarrah. Her writing might lend some insight and help out...Little Dragon Fruit

Aliceson said...

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! As I read your post, I can hear the TV coverage of the MJ funeral on in the living room. Ridiculous, I think I'll go turn it off now.

Gina said...

Everyone has those fears, no matter how the baby gets to them. I hope everything works out perfectly for you guys.

Also - here's me, still not giving a shit about Michael Jackson.

Jerrod said...

how great of a couple are you two! Adoption is one of the greatest things you can do... You will be amazing!

Yellow Trash Diaries said...

Yay, yay, yay! Don't put so much pressure on immediate bonding-- I didn't feel that connection with Jay right off either. It'll come-- hey, why not name the baby Blanket in honor of MJ?

Susan said...

It took me a long time to stop feeling like someone was going to come pick up my baby, and I had her my very own self. Some changes take a awhile to sink in.

And completely unrelated - you won the contest on my blog! email me your address: trout_towers@yahoo.com

Rob said...

I can't think of anything more normal than the way you're feeling right now.

DC Diva said...

Libby, this is GREAT news! You will be an AMAZING mother. You DO love kids. And they love you.

I'm thrilled (and keeping my fingers crossed) for you and Ryan.

Sunshinemeg said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing such a personal post. You just have to keep breathing. You may get the rug pulled out from you, but you will find a new norm once that little bundle comes that works for you. Dig deep, find your strength, and keep breathing.

The Michael Jackson is truly the most ridiculous thing I could have ever imagined...

Kelly said...

The fact that you're having these thoughts and worries is likely excellent evidence that you will do a fantastic job as a mother. I know it sounds like a shallow assurance, but try not to beat yourself up. Everything will fall into place and I'm sure all of us in internet-land are rooting for you.

LB @Wait, She Said What? said...

Every women I've known who had or is having a baby has these fears! Part of the job of being a mother is worry. The fact that you are having these worries means you already are being her Mom!

The second you get to hold your baby everything including your feelings will fall into place.

I'm keep my fingers crossed for you!

melistress said...

Oh wow! I wish you all the best. I can't calm your anxieties because all mothers feel that, natural born children or otherwise. Those sorts of anxieties are just the tip of the iceburg! Let me tell you this, though, no amount of preparation will ever make you fully prepared but you will make it work. We all do. Because we have to and because we want to. The only thing you need is love and good intentions...the rest will come. :-)

Karlyn said...

Oh Libby! I got all choked up and teary eyed when I read this post. Because I remember feeling the exact same way while I was expecting both my kidlets. Eight years later, I still feel it. You are having perfectly normal mom feelings. I know that you will be a fabulous mom. I can picture it now....Your house is gonna be the one that all the kids want to hang out at because you are the coolest mom.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

And, for the record. MJ sucks.

MomZombie said...

These fears and doubts are totally normal. I hope it all works out the way you want it to. Remember: even if you don't have it all figured out/purchased/assembled/hand-crafted in time for the baby, there is a vast expanse of time AFTER the baby to get it figured out/purchased and assembled. Sadly the hand-crafted portion of things is out the window. Give that up.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Yeah, ask any parent how prepared they were for the realities of their baby - whether it came from their womb or not - and they'll all say to throw the words 'prepared' and 'control' out the window. STAT.

The fact you are worrying about these things says you care about this baby - or any baby that will someday be your child - and that counts for something. It's the parents who are uber-prepared and Ready For Baby who get the giant wake-up call. :) And if it's a girl, of course she won't like you... but that comes much later, and only if you're doing your job right!

In the long run, remember that worrying is just an action step in lieu of having ACTUAL action steps - while it's normal, it's also a good barometer for going, Oh! I need to go DO something. I think, especially with your sense of humor, you're ill-prepared for your bundle of joy in just the right way. I'll keep all my fingers crossed for you! <3

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

Well, you certainly sound like someone who's about to get a baby. Panicked and scared and excited and OH SHIT WHAT HAVE I SIGNED UP FOR buyer's remorse. Fingers are crossed for you that it all works out. You're gonna be just fine.

Sam said...

Hi Libby,
Found you on my Followers list today (thanks! :)) and now that I've read your post I feel like we're soul sisters. :) I agree with your thoughts on MJ, though I felt sad anyway (I'm just perverse like that.) And I had every single one of your pre-adoption worries. Every single one. :) And you know what? It turned out fine. And when your child comes home, you'll know--maybe not immediately, I won't lie--but eventually you'll know that he/she was meant to be with you. Call me corny if you want, but you'll agree with me anyway. ;)

Sam said...

Hi again,

Just saw that I had a shout-out from Erin that brought you my way. :) Now it's all coming together. :)

LiLu said...

Oh, honey.

This is all a bit... over my head. But I am so, SO excited for you. And I think you will be too. It's just going to take a little time to adjust, to trust, to believe.

A few weeks from now, I think you will be the happiest woman in the world. And I can't wait to read about it. :-)

ilyssa sky said...

AWESOME!!!!!!

Oh, you'll never feel prepared.... no matter what. But, that's normal.

You'll bond with her and vice versa. It might not even happen right away ... but it will happen. And when it does, you'll know a love that is stronger than anything you've ever felt.

Ellen said...

these feelings are SO normal. you are NOT alone. i'm crossing my fingers for you. you will be an AWESOME mom. She will LOVE you.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock said...

My adoptive mother practically knocked the nurses down when she went for my, I mean HER boy. The bonding started immediately. You won't be able to put her down. I tell you, the moment I saw her pick up my son I knew it was right. YOU may not know right away, but then again you might. Either way, your baby was and has always been meant for you. Try not to get overwhelmed with your worries. I know you'll do great!

Sandi said...

What this post says to me is, "HOLY SHIT, It's going to happen this time."
and I couldn't be happier.

BTW-Call me again. I called you back today but it just rang and rang. I would LOVE to chat.

Christy said...

Well, as one of our friends told us before our baby was born, "it's really, really hard to kill a baby on accident." So take a deep breath and reassure yourself that you will make lots of dumb mistakes but your baby will be fine.

And also rest assured that you will continue to doubt your parenting skills almost every day as a parent, but those feelings will be interspered with as many moments when you feel like a superhero because you manage to stop her from crying or after a couple months, when she blasts her first smile your way.

And there will be moments where you'll think "What the hell have I done? This little alien has taken away my freedom to do anything on my own schedule, including eating, sleeping, and excreting. I haven't showered in days and I forgot to take the dog out to pee." But those will be outweighed by all the amazingly joyful moments when you look at the beautiful little person that has taken over your life and you realize that it's the most rewarding thing you've ever done in your life.

And, as long as you have some sort of box with four sides and a cushion for the baby to sleep in, some diapers, and a way to feed the baby, you have all that you need for the first few days. The baby will probably be sleeping in your arms most of the time at the beginning anyway so the baby bed is really just something you look at longingly through blreary, sleep deprived eyes at the beginning.

You will both be amazing parents. You will love your baby. Your baby will love you. And think of all the great new material you will have to post on your blog? What better to blog about than the various shades of baby poop, projectile spit-up, and melt-downs at Babies R Us while trying to sort through the thousands of types of baby wipes?

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Beautiful! I hope you get this baby and don't worry. Adopted or from your own womb, you CAN and WILL bond.

(Unless it's one of those Children of the Damned kids with the white hair and laser eyes that make you do horrible things.)

;)

Dana's Brain said...

Aw Libby, this is amazing news! I'm sure others have said it already here - give yourself time - it will all come together.

Dunc said...

Clearly I am late to the party with this comment, considering there are 5,000 comments before mine (way to go on the subscriber contest with YTD, I guess!). I am guessing this is exactly how I feel shortly before Ryan and I become parents. Don't worry, the girl will grow up to become a bratty snotty teenager and hate you no matter what - it's a rite, of passage, right? See, now feel better :-)