Monday, April 13, 2009

The Red Sea

For the first time in almost a decade, I am artificial hormone free. I mean, I am still drinking milk, eating food, and breathing, so I am sure I am sucking in some type of salmon estrogen, but what I mean is that for the first time in almost a decade I am not actively seeking to put them in my body. No birth control. No non-birth control. No shots. No pills. No creams. Ryan and I are taking a break from the insanity and letting my body get back into it's own groove. And grooving it is.

Honestly, re-discovering who I am without hormones is kind of like watching "The Wizard of Oz" with Spanish language overdubbing. I recognize it, and I know what is going on, but it's still foreign. For instance, I DON'T actually cry every time I feel frustrated. Now I just sit there, waiting for the tears to come, shocked by the sanity that fills me instead. I have to admit that at times it's disappointing. After all, tears help me get my way much faster.

There are some positives to letting my body do it's own thing. I hardly ever threaten to kill Ryan any more. And babies don't cry and people don't scream "unclean" as I approach due to the condition of the skin on my face. Also, I can fit in my jeans at all times of the month without the aid of duct tape and Crisco. There are other pluses too, but I can't really write about them on this semi-family friendly blog without fear of getting an NC-17 rating, or Ryan filing a restraining order against me. Let's just say... Yeah, I can't even say that.

I honestly wish this feeling could go on forever and ever. Oh, and the way things are going, it just might. As of Wednesday it will be EIGHT WEEKS since my last period. Noah's flood? Jesus' time in the desert? The coolness of jelly bracelets? All shorter. I am really worried I should notify FEMA when I finally feel the first twinge of cramps. Actually, I don't think I will have to notify them, as my groans and screams will rival those of Godzilla. Some say no one remembers pain. Those people are full of shit. I remember non-hormone-moderated menstrual cramps. I think they are being simulated for prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

So, all of you who live in Utah? Now is the time to plan a trip. I think you have at least a week to get out of town. Of course, if you see dead frogs on the sidewalk, drop what you are doing, and GET THE FUCK OUT! Oh, and if you can't, at least try not to wear white. Or open toed shoes...

6 comments:

Sandi said...

You crack me up! I just started the pro-gest cream. I need some balancing the artificial way. I am jacked up!

Emily-Ione said...

Because of you I think I will opt out of FSH shots.
The estrodial and 4 times a year progesterone are enough thanks.....

Have fun being au natural.

Anonymous said...

I cannot read this shit. I have had three kids and I wet my pants easily... I am out of depends and am sorry to report that the first paragraph landed me in wet jammies. I appreciate your humor but cannot participate.

whitney

Andi said...

I'm out of town for the next week, so it sounds like I'll be arriving in time for the Great Clean-Up! Lovely.

Also, I have to tell you: I had a hysterectomy a year and a half ago and I STILL have dreams that I'm starting my period and I don't have any tampons with me. Dreams so realistic that I wake up and dash to the bathroom to assess the damage. Lord, you'd think my brain would have purged itself of all this by now.

Dunc said...

It has been nearly 2 months for me and I dread the onslaught of crampy symptoms.

And that was way TMI for a blog comment, but eh.

Logical Libby said...

Just so you all know, it is now NINE weeks. Really, this could end up like a disaster movie.