Monday, February 23, 2009

I Am More Than My Uterus

On Friday I expected to start the fourth round of "super ovulation" (Dun, dun, dun, da!) treatments aimed at getting me knocked up. I expected to, but I didn't. Instead, I went into the doctor, and discovered that following last month's unsuccessful cycle my ovaries decided to blow themselves up to ten times their normal size. When the doctor first saw them on the ultrasound she said "woah, that can't be comfortable." No, it wasn't, but really, I thought I was just gassy. I had no idea that I was actually experiencing an ovarian rebellion.

My ovaries are bigger -- with less Vitamin C.

My doctor said that not only would we not be able to proceed with this month's cycle, but I also shouldn't exercise, have sex, or lift anything heavy until my ovaries shrink back down. Luckily, she said drinking wine wouldn't be a problem. Despite that, I went home feeling dejected. After all, this was going to be THE cycle. I was ready to think positive, and be optimistic. I wasn't going to expect the worst. And that's why hearing the news about my ovaries was the worst thing I could have heard.

Ryan and I are trying to turn the setback into a positive though. We are taking a cue from my body, and stepping off the fertility merry-go-round. And we are going to do it for more than just this cycle. When talking on Friday night we realized that I have been taking some sort of hormone every month since October of 2006. And before that I was on birth control for almost ten years. So, we are going to give my body a break, and give it a minute to breathe. Who knows, maybe my skin will finally clear up and I'll lose some of the water weight I have come to know and tolerate. Oh, and if the hot flashes would stop, that would rock.

It isn't all about the physical, though. We are also going to take this break to try and reclaim our sanity. This weekend I have realized just how much our lives have revolved around this baby thing. We have not planned vacations, not spent money, and not made long term plans "just in case we get pregnant." Also, more and more of our conversations with friends and family have revolved around the fertility topic. We used to be interesting -- now we're a support system for a uterus. That needs to change. I'm not saying we won't talk about it, we just need to not be defined by it. A few months away from it will be just what we need. Who knows, maybe fake positivity will be replaced by the real thing... Yeah, I doubt that too...

So, stay tuned. I mean, you've stuck around this long, so let's see what happens next.


Sandi said...

I love that you call it a "fertility Merry-go-round". I call it a "roller-coaster ride through hell". But it's all the same!

I can't believe your ovaries blew up that big. I can't even move when I have four ripe follicles in there. You are a TOUGH COOKIE!

Praying for you to have some peace while you are taking a break! It's so damn hard!

DC Diva said...

I can't believe your ovaries blew up like that. A mental/physical/emotional (um, sexual?) break sounds like it's just what you need. Good luck my friend!

She Said said...

Well, if it is any consolation, this post makes you an even more well-rounded person than I thought before.

Enjoy the break, and if you want to take a vacation to Lake Tahoe, my box wine and I are only 30 minutes away. ;)