A Pregnant Pause

My friend Katie is about 72 weeks pregnant. No really, she is. Two weeks ago her doctor told her to start carrying towels around in her car, just in case, because delivery could be that imminent. And then, nothing happened. She has tried eating spicy food, taking long walks, and talking loudly about how everyone is playing with the baby’s toys without her, but still, nothing.

We’ve all tried to be supportive of Katie during this time, but really, it’s getting boring. All the cooing, all the concern, all of the “feeling the baby move,” is getting old, and we are, actually, starting to feel kind of duped. Some of us, and I am not naming names (Ryan) are beginning to float theories about Katie’s “pregnancy.” Now, I am not saying I agree that she is part of some type of monkey smuggling ring, but I am starting to give the theory more credence. It doesn’t help that she is starting to taunt us, sending out messages like this one I received tonight:

“I am never having this baby. It appears God or one of his cronies has played a cruel trick on me… Probably as punishment for being your friend.”

The person suffering the most through all of this is (I mean, besides Katie) is her husband Ben. Being a lawyer he has made such helpful suggestions as shoving a tiny subpoena up Katie’s vagina to get the kid out. He (thankfully) gave up that suggestion when reminded the baby probably didn’t know how to read just yet. Ben then decided to stop thinking like a lawyer, and start thinking like a sports fan. Hence, the baby beard:

Ben says he is not shaving until the baby comes out. I don’t think he realizes this kid is never coming out. Actually, I don’t think he realizes much right now. Do you note the crazy look in his eye? That is the look of a man who has lost all common sense, and believes facial hair can bring on labor. If you see him on the street, please be kind.

Maybe Katie is just holding out for a show on TLC. After all, the “family with way too many kids” concept is tired out, but the “couple slowly going crazy due to a child that won’t be born” could be the next new hit. I mean, especially if Ben keeps up with the beard… I just hope I get a development credit.