Thursday, September 18, 2008

Utah Celebrity Justice

Few people know this, but Utah is home to LOTS of celebrities. Not just when they're in rehab either. Robert Redford, of course, lives here, as does Charlie Gibson, James Caan, and the great, but underrated Wilford Brimley. Johnny Carson lived in Park City until he died. Most of them are quiet and keep to themselves. But then there's Gary Coleman -- the wild man of Utah County.

Coleman moved here about four years ago, after "starring" in one of the LDS comedies that seem to come out every other weekend. He says he "liked the area." I think what he really meant was he "liked being able to get a house for 80 grand and have people fawn all over him as a celebrity even though he hasn't done anything worth while sine 1982." After all, Utah is behind the rest of the world by about 20 years. We're still praying the "Donny and Marie Show" comes back on the air. Alas, Mr. Coleman has grown tired with his adoring fans, and that is where the excitement starts.

Earlier this month Coleman was bowling in the town of Payson. If you have never been to Payson, let me describe it for you: picture a place where the most exciting thing to do is bowl. There you have it. While he was bowling some guy got a little too excited he was actually seeing Gary Coleman, and began giving him a hard time. Coleman got tired of it, and hit the guy with his car. Now, Coleman is facing assault charges. Oh, and the guy is suing him. I really don't know what he thinks he is going to get though. Coleman is a celebrity, but a celebrity than lives in Santaquin. That's a town that makes Payson look cosmopolitan because at least it has a bowling alley. For damages Coleman may be able to cough up a couple of "Whachu Talking About Willis" t-shirts. Oh, and maybe some specially tailored pants.

So far, Coleman has been laying low, trying to let this thing blow over. I think that is the completely wrong approach. I think he should go big -- or move to Nebraska. He should take a page from the playbooks of O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson, and Zsa Zsa Gabor. I see a slow speech chase in a golf cart down I-15. I see showing up for a court appearance 45 minutes late wearing nothing but a boa constrictor. I see granting just one interview (to KSL of course) where he refuses to answer any questions except those about his 7/10 split in the hours before the incident. It will be glorious! And people will eat it up! The story has already been featured on all four news stations here as if it actually matters, imagine what could happen if he went all out. CNN. NBC. FOX News. Telemundo! The parking lot of the Utah County court house would not be able to hold all of the satellite trucks. The case could even spawn (dare I say it) a "Lifetime" movie of the week. Emmanuel Lewis could play Gary.

It wouldn't just be good for Gary either! it would be good for the state. Imagine how many Z-list celebrities would come here to get in trouble and re-start their careers. Locals would be happy to take a sock in the face from one of them -- after all, it leads to 15 minutes of fame. Look at the tool involved in the Gary Coleman incident. Do you think he would have gotten on television otherwise? I mean, not because of a pyramid scheme?

So, Gary, I'm begging you, let your celebrity light shine. Brighten up Utah with a little bit of crazy. Or else we might have to slip something into Wilford's Quaker Oats...


Amanda said...

If this does not stroke the Coleman's love for fame, then maybe we could get old Wilford the mean to do something crazy & then blame it on his "Daibeetus".

Honestly though, I think that Lil' old Gary is here due to a burning crush on Gretchen Pernichele. When she lived in Colorado, he lived fairly close to her in an area called Highland Ranch. Now he is here - coincidence? I think not! Hell, maybe we could get the Warlock Pinchers out of retirement, so that they could pen another song about the former Arnold Jackson a la "Deadly Gary Fu" (ask Ryan - I know I put it on one of his cd's).