34 Years Later

Tomorrow I turn 34. I won't have time to blog then because Ryan is whisking me away for a birthday surprise. If you haven't heard from me by Wednesday, please send for help.

I really don't feel that bad about turning 34, mainly because I've been telling people that's my age for almost eight months now. I think it won't really sink in until I make myself turn 35 in January. Then I'll have to drown my sorrows in a bottle of gin and a bag of chocolate chips. But I won't being doing it on my birthday, so it won't be as pathetic.

So, what have I learned in the most recent year of my life? Not a whole hell of a lot. How to repair sprinklers, and toilets. That's about it. But while I haven't discovered many new things, I like to think that I have developed a deeper appreciation and understanding of the things I do know. I would list them all here, but at this moment I can't think of a damn thing.

I think I've gotten more honest this year. Or maybe I've just gotten to be more a curmudgeon. I just don't see the point in skirting issues, talking behind people's backs, or trying to come up with a passive aggressive solution. I've taken to actually telling people when something is bothering me, or when I have an opinion on something. It takes so much less energy than the way I have being doing things, and I find I am much happier with the outcome of most situations. For instance, now I say where I want to go to dinner if I have a definite opinion on the matter, and if I don't want to do something, I say I don't want to do it. Sometimes my opinion doesn't matter, and I end up going to dinner at Chuck A Rama, or actually having to go to work, but at least then I can pout openly because I didn't get my way, rather than pretending I am having a good time.

There are some things I wish I had done by now. Writing a book is one of them. So is having a child. I also haven't learned discipline as well as I would like. I've chosen discipline as a goal because this year I finally accepted that patience is too far out of my reach. At least with discipline I can pretend I'm patient. Or, I could just chuck the whole thing and brush up on my deceitfulness. But, then that would kind of negate the honesty thing I've been trying, and also make baby Jesus cry.

I hope this next year is as happy, if not happier than the ones that came before. When I look into the future I often only see the bad things that are waiting -- deaths, aging, another Harry Potter movie.
I need to remember that there are nice surprises around every corner, and that those are the things that count. A sleepy dog, a really good everything bagel, a phone call from Luke saying "this is for tomorrow, happy birthday," or a big hug from Ryan when I need it the most. Those things outweigh the bad a million times over.

Okay, enough blabbing. I have to get ready for the big day. After all, the Chinese are going all out for it...