Monday, April 21, 2008


The recent disappointment of the Alien Vs. Predator sequel has me in a bit of a funk. I wanted it to be something I played for my grandchildren, the way my Mom tortures Luke with "The Way We Were." And no, it doesn't matter that he's only four. But I can't even see playing "AVP: Requiem" for any young person, even for kitsch value. I had such high hopes. Sigh. Well, at least it inspired a top five list...

Top Five Things That Should Be Awesome, But Really Suck

1. Gizmos You Buy Off of Television Everyone has one in their closet -- even Lieberman (hello, cake pans), but no one ever talks about it. Mine is the amazing Pampered Chef handi-chopper. Yeah, it's handi -- if you want pieces of onion that are way to big or strawberries that are mush. Oh, and if you really like to clean crevasses surrounded by razor sharp blades that can't go into the dishwasher. I should have known that anything that was $19.95 was probably not worth it. I mean, not like the exercise DVDs I ordered for $69.95. Those make decorative and very amusing coasters.

2. Sex in Water Okay, my mother reads this blog, so I'll keep it short. Water is not a good lubricant. Yet, movies try to portray it as the sexiest thing around. I could go into how I found this out, but I won't, for the sake of my mom.

3. Rock Concerts I may be the only one who has this view, but rock concerts never are as good as they should be. First, they cost a lot. Second, you are never as close as you think you should be, so you end up watching the jumbotron, which is just like watching a concert video, but more expensive. Third, people at rock concerts generally suck. I mean, really, the guy who wears the band's t-shirt too their concert? Yeah, he's lame. And fourth, they never play what they what you want them to play because they are "artists." Yeah, artists who made all their money off the one song everyone is waiting to hear.

4. Street Festivals There is only so much pottery and so many hemp bracelets a person can buy. After that, it all just blurs into a big burned chicken skewer and nag champa incense haze. Yet, Ryan and I go to at least two a summer. I guess we're just looking for the perfect set of wind chimes.

5. Changing Your Hair Color In tenth grade I dyed my hair red. No, not red, burgundy. Oh, and I had recent cut it short. Yeah, I looked lovely, and just like every other woman (or man) who has ever thought a change would do them good and done something unthinkable to their hair. I heard a lot of "oh, your hair is different" comments, followed by nothing but long, stony silences.

You know what else should be awesome but really sucks? The ending to this blog post. Ha, ha.


Amanda said...

In response to number three - why do you think I prefer to work concerts?? Even if I work my ass off, it is three times as enjoyable as being in the crowd.

Cate said...

Are you telling me that the amazing Ginzu knife set that Tony the chef sells won't work?

jon deal said...

Amen to #3.

Emily-Ione said...

Are you saying Magic Putty may not be all it's touted to be???

L@pterces said...

I LOVE my garden weasel... and it works even better in water.