Five Things Salt Lake City Needs

I love Salt Lake City. I know, I know, it is the punchline of many a joke, and some of them are actually pretty funny, but it really is a great place to live. It's pretty, just cosmopolitan enough, not too expensive, close to the mountains and the desert, and most of the people don't take themselves too seriously. However, I do have to admit that there are some things Salt Lake lacks, so, with no further ado, here is the list of five things that would elevate Salt Lake from being "pretty great" to "fucking awesome." Oh, and they almost all have nothing to do with alcohol, because you really can get a drink here.

Five Things Salt Lake Needs

1. Trader Joe's Some people plan their vacations around attractions, natural wonders, or loved one -- I plan mine around Trader Joe's. I love a store that only sells cocktail party food. Wonderful cheeses, delicious ravioli, every kind of nut done every way imaginable, and really cheap wine. It is what I imagine heaven must look like -- but without the Tiki decor. And it isn't that expensive! On my last journey to the promised land I picked up three really good things of cheese, four different types of fresh pasta, pasta sauce, cashews, korma sauce, and ten bottles of wine -- all for under one hundred dollars. Yeah, some of the wine turned out to be not that great, but who cares! It was from Trader Joe's! Actually, it's probably a good thing there isn't one here. We'd be broke.

2. Scuba Diving Ryan and I love to dive. We have gone all over the world and basically count the months between dive trips. It would be wonderful if there were place here where we could dive and it wouldn't suck. You see, the places that there are to dive here are pretty much just big pits of muck. I could get the same effect by dumping sand in my bathtub and sticking my face in, and I wouldn't have to squeeze into a wet suit.

3. Cuban Food Have you ever had a really good Cuban sandwich? They are beyond extraordinary. Ham, cheese, pickles, and mustard on a bread specifically invented for this sandwich. And it's grilled so it gets all hot and gooey. Of course, I must only dream of true Cuban sandwiches, because there is no place to get one here. Yes, some restaurants say they serve Cuban sandwiches, but it's really just a toasted ham and cheese hoagie. It's like asking for Champagne and getting served that Martinelli's crap. Very disappointing.

4. A Responsible Legislature Have you ever watched a nature video where the Lions attack a Gazelle, tearing it apart with just one swipe? That's what it like watching Republicans and Democrats interface in Utah. Occasionally the gazelle gets away, triumphant, but that doesn't happen very often. And when they aren't busy beating up on Democrats the controlling Republicans really like beating any common sense out of their legislative dealings. A bill ensuring health care for the poor? Later. A bill banning use of the word gay and all of it's homonyms? Excellent! And get rid of that word homonyms too! It's the only way to protect freedom. Just once I would like to open the paper during the legislative session and not be embarrassed to live here.

5. More than One Art Museum Really, there is only one art museum in Salt Lake, and it's on the grounds of the University, so parking is always a bitch. There are galleries, but whenever I go into one I feel like I have to buy something, or else they'll think I'm casing the joint. A museum with a sculpture garden would be perfect, like the Getty, only without the creepy mad scientist vibe. Just somewhere to go and sit and be surrounded by beautiful things.

That's pretty much it. Salt Lake actually has everything else I need, and a lot of things that I don't. Like, I know that I will probably never need a colonic therapist, still, it's nice to know that there is not just one, but SIX available. And people say all we have are polygamists and Sundance... Pshaw...