Miracle Cure in a Binaca Bottle

As the producer of a very important local news program I am sometimes sent press releases from authors, bands, inventors, or companies wanting to come on the show and hawk their wares. Some times, they even include a sample of the product. Over the years I have gotten numerous books, CDs of every kind of music from steel drum to gospel, foodstuffs that are better left in the lab, and numerous health supplements.

Usually I just try to give whatever it is away and politely decline having my show turned into the Home Shopping Network. After years of doing this, I thought I had put end to the mail. I mean, I haven't gotten a single diet book this year, and usually I get enough to set up a gym. But, then last week, I got yet another freebie, and this one was a doozy. It's called NutraMist. Yes, someone has finally figured out how to solve almost every health problem with a spritzer.

Let there be mist.

Not only were the good people at NutraMist good enough to send me a press release, but they also sent me one of each of their products, so I could experience myself how six sprays a day could change my life. There was one for sleep, one for immunity, one for energy, and one more which I can't remember right now, but I think it was for invisibility.

Now, on the day I received this package of medical miracles in a tube I hadn't slept a lot and was nursing a pretty serious hangover (Hi Mom!), so I grabbed for the energy booster. Kerry, the anchor of my show, who tends to turn into a mucus dripping incubus during the winter months gladly took the immunity booster. On the count of three we both sprayed, and filled our mouths with what tasted like Skittles mixed with Jagermeister. "Pleasant Fruit Flavor" my ass. Despite the taste we both took the recommended six sprays, and waited.

Know what happened? I think you already do. Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened. Kerry still got sicker, and I still felt like napping on my keyboard. I thought about spraying more in my mouth, but the taste, and the warning not to exceed six sprays a day, stopped me. After all, I'm sure these pharmaceuticals were developed by doctors with very impressive degrees from Colombian medical schools, and I feared not following directions would cause my skin to become reptilian. I quickly pushed them off my desk into the trash can, hoping they wouldn't cause a hazmat incident.

From now on I'm not even opening what ever odd press release comes my way. I'll make Albert do it, and make the calls to turn them down. I mean, unless a wine maker wants a spot on my show. Then I'll have to seriously consider it. But only if they send samples.