Saturday, November 3, 2007

This is free entertainment

Today I woke up at 8:30A-M, on a weekend, to attend a financial planning seminar with Ryan. You see, it has become clear to both Ryan and myself that we shouldn't be broke all the time with the amount of money that we make, especially with nothing to show for it. I mean, if we had monkey butlers, or jet skis or diamond encrusted underwear I wouldn't feel bad, because I would know that we are spending are money wisely. But right it just feels like cash flies away in the wind. We have a savings account, but more often than not we dip into it, and we have a credit card for emergencies, which ends up being about once a month when we've spent all of our money and have forgotten to buy little things, like food.

When we got to the seminar things looked promising. They had donuts. And not the cheap grocery store kind either, the really good ones from the bakery down the hill. I figured that if this woman could afford the good donuts she must know what she's talking about. Then I saw the binders, and inside the binders, the worksheets. She wanted us to think about where we spent money, and write it down. Damn. You see, I was kind of hoping we would walk in and she would tell us that the federal government or some evil overlord had been unfairly taking our money, and now was the time to stick it to the man. But instead she wanted us to think, and, even worse, make changes.

She started by asking us to think of things that we buy every month that we don't really need. Now, looking at where I spend my money I know that there are several places people would assume I could cut. Costumes for Luke? Yes, but it's a shame to stifle a child's imagination. Wine with pretty labels? Well, don't we first eat and drink with our eyes? And don't our eyes like to see beauty? Dog daycare? Don't even go there. We don't have enough stuff for Sally to destroy if we don't take her. I did see some other places to cut though. For instance, it isn't so terrible to only eat out twice a week. And do I really need shoes? After all, I have pretty tough feet, and everyone likes to see webbed toes. It's like a surprise sideshow.

At the end of the seminar we had a list of several things we could do each month to save money. For instance, we would put money into an "escrow" account to pay for surprise expenses so we wouldn't have to constantly deplete our savings. And at the beginning of each month we will take out "spending money." When it's gone, we're done. After all, when you have to part with cash you think more about what you are buying. I can uses my debit card like a drunken sailor, but it's hard for me to part with a Jackson.

When we got home I was so jazzed I wanted to think of more ways to save money. Here are just a few of my ideas...
  • Cut all produce out of our diets. After all, vegetables and fruit are pricey. And they go bad. That's just throwing money away. However, potato chips and pasta can stay in the cupboard forever, as can Spam.
  • Sally needs to get a job. There are tons of ugly dogs on television, and she might as well be one of them. On Monday we're sending out head shots, and we're letting agents know she isn't afraid to do nudity.
  • Live as Mother Nature intended. The body is pretty self cleaning, and some of those "beauty" products can actually cause harm. After all, doesn't deodorant cause Alzheimer's? And I'm pretty sure shampoo causes insanity in lab rats. We won't only save on products that we buy, but also on our water bill.
  • Become freegans. There is no same in rooting through the trash. Especially since those people doing it are young and hip. We'll save money and improve our social profiles. And I doubt they will care we don't shower that often and have a dog in porn.
  • Open a check cashing store. In the seminar we learned how much money those places make, by preying on people like us and our friends. We should be the ones preying on our friends. And if that doesn't work out we should start a credit card company. Yes, the interest isn't as high, but it could still bring in a nice chunk of change. Also, doesn't the sound of "put it on my Libbycard" sound nice?
  • Win the lottery. That's really more of a retirement plan though.
I think this is a real change for us. Pretty soon we'll have so much money we might even be able to give to charity. We won't, but we would have enough. After all, we'll be using that money to keep the monkey butlers ass deep in bananas.


Emily-Ione said...

Ok, so I went and looked up freegans. What the hell is that all about? I mean really now. Eat a decent meal, take a bath and go buy some fresh produce. I'm all for recycling and nature and saving the planet but can' we do that with out be fanatical and climbing about in other people's trash bins???