What's pissing me off today

Depression is boring. I spent all day yesterday being weepy and bemoaning my life, picking apart everything that could possibly be considered sub-par and blaming myself for all of it. And you know what I had at the end? Absolutely nothing but a headache and red eyes. What a fucking waste of time. So, today I am channeling the energy that could go towards a more worthwhile pursuit: pointless anger. Yes, others suggested channeling it towards yoga, or charity work, or beating the dog, but I think this is a much better idea. And what will come of it? Well, you're reading this, aren't you?

With no further ado, here are my rants for the month of September...

• Musical performers need to realize fans do not want to hear an extended, jam session version of every one of their songs when they perform in concert. Ryan Adams I am looking at you. The Grateful Dead did it, now it's done. Move on. One is the limit. If you play more than that you should pay me for putting up with it.
  
• NBC sucks. I know, I work for an affiliate, but thing with iTunes pisses me off. They wanted people to pay $4.99 a show? Are they kidding? Have they seen their shows? I mean, I love "Law & Order" so much I have Jerry Orbach's face tattooed on my ass, but let's be reasonable.
  
• Vagasil is now selling a "do it yourself" screening kit for yeast infections and other gynecological problems. Sorry, my idea of fun does not include swabbing my nether regions and then matching the result to a chart like I'm trying to find the right color of paint. And if there is something wrong I'm going to have to see a doctor anyway. Know what she's going to do? The same damn test, only more reliable.
• While I'm on the whole feminine hygiene thing, why aren't there ads telling men their business needs to smell better? There are dozens of products out there to supposedly help with "freshness." Are women the only ones who go stale? I've been in locker rooms, and I would have to say no. I think it's about time for "Dick Fresh." After all, if shame about bodily odors is good for women, it's good for men too.
  
• Britney Spears. Enough said. No one covered Tiffany think much when her career was going down the tubes in the '80s. And I think she and Emmanuel Lewis killed a hooker. Let's just go retro and let Britney slip into obscurity without a fuss. She can do "Celebrity Fat Club" in ten years. Or maybe five.
  
• People who write about Britney and other celebs need to start checking their zingers with each other before going to print. If I had to read one more story titled "Don't call it a comeback" following the VMAs I was going to go slap LL Cool J's mama. You get paid to be creative -- please earn your money.
  

I feel so much better. Lighter, somehow. I think I'm going to take a walk, and maybe steal candy from a child. Just kidding. I'll have Sally do it for me.