Monday, August 6, 2007

And they don't even live in Utah...

A couple in Arkansas is getting national and international attention this week, because they have welcomed their 17th child. Yes, you read that correctly. In the past 19 years Jim Bob (how perfect is that name) and Michelle Duggar have popped out 17 kids, and only four of them have come out in convenient twin sets. I don't think I have to tell you I believe these people to be insane. I would think that after four they would figure out how it was happening and do something to stop it! I mean really, how are they raising these children? They could spend just over an hour with each of them a day, and that's if they gave up sleep. But even then they probably couldn't because they are too busy making more children!

Think of the toll this has taken on the body of that poor woman. I'm betting you could drive a truck through her vagina. And not a compact truck, a full size with a hemi. If she nursed all 17 of them she has most likely produced more meals than McDonanlds. I betting she doesn't wear a bra any more, just a belt. And how could sex even be enjoyable any more? I would start chasing my husband out of the bedroom with a flame-thrower.

But wait, it gets worse. Not only do the Duggars have 17 children -- all of them have J names. I think it's to remind Mom Michelle that she is not a real member of the family -- just a means of creating more Duggars for king Jim Bob. Joshua, John David, Janna, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, and Jennifer. Jinger? That is just giving that girl a reason to be pissed. Not only will her name always be misspelled, but she will never be able to find personalized pencils. But at least she won't have to change it when she starts her inevitable career as a stripper. But what happens if they have more children? Is there eventually going to be a Jingle, a Jet, a Jumper, a Jesus, a Jeronimo (I know, it's misspelled, but I don't think they care), or maybe even a Jester?

Here's what I think needs to be done. We must raise funds to get Michelle Duggar fixed. She's like the neighborhood cat who just keeps spewing out kittens until one eventually gets hit by a car and a sympathetic neighbor gets it spayed. Let's do it now before a Duggar ends up flattened in the street.

Really, it's for the children.


Emily-Ione said...

We should direct them to the Utah Baby Namer website.

Peruse at your discretion.
Yes, I have submitted names to could I not?

Amanda said...

This was easily your funniest one yet.
You have to go to Gallery of The Absurd ( and see what she did to commemorate the 17th Duggar.