Crack of dawn

This week my schedule is a bit different because I am filling in the for the noon producer while she has some sort of surgery. Its either sinus or sex reassignment -- I don't remember which. I figure I'll be able to figure it out by looking at her when she comes back.

What this means for me is that I must now be at work at 6am in order to put the show together. That means I must get up by 5:30 at the latest if I don't want to go to work in my bathrobe with dirty hair. Now, I wouldn't mind that, but HR might have a problem with it, and we all know my goal in life is to avoid HR. I was actually surprised that 5:30 in the morning still exists. I distinctly remember a campaign to outlaw the early morning hours. After all, as my friend Tara says "what do you need to do at 5 in the morning that can't wait until 10"? Can I get an amen?

Getting up that early in the morning just brings out the worst in me. First of all, I do not look pretty. I think lack of sleep actually makes my nose bigger. Really, its Durantesque. Add to that my eyes squinting into light they don't want to see yet -- and I pretty much look like a naked mole rat with a blonde bob and a bad attitude.

I need coffee

In addition, my sense of humor lags when I'm tired. Where I would normally offer up a witty bon mot I instead just stare into space and mutter "whatever" under my breath. There is no song in my heart or spring in my step, just a gurgle in my stomach as I finish my breakfast feast of coffee and Pop Tarts from the vending machine.

The only thing that makes the mornings worse are morning people. For the past two days I have been greeted cheerfully by Julie, who helps write the noon show. Now, I love Julie, shes fun at 3pm, but at seven its a little like being besieged by a Keebler elf. I think she must be some sort of evil genius trying to destroy me with peppiness.

Luckily my tenure on the show will be short, just a week. Then I will go back to the world of the living, where coffee shops are already open, where having a drink after work doesn't make me a mid-day drunk and where there is nothing I can't put off until at least 9:15.