Holi-dazed (See What I Did There? I KNOW! Super Clever!)

I am sitting here at my dining room table, surrounded by a holly, jolly mess. I have more than a dozen Christmas cards that still need to be written and addressed to the right of me, and a pile of presents that have to be wrapped from Santa to my left; in front of me I have two half finished blankets I am crocheting, and on the counter behind me I have neighbor gifts that need to be assembled, and have witty notes attached to them.

So which one am I focusing on right now? The computer in the middle of it all, and the glass of wine in my lap.

You were expecting something different?

I don't know why I am overwhelmed and surprised by this predicament. Every year, it doesn't matter how early I start, how organized I am, or how good my intentions are, I always end the season in a holiday frenzy. There is always one gift I have forgotten, or one gift I can't find that I know I have bought, but hidden somewhere in the house so well that not even I can remember where it is. Christmas cards ALWAYS seem to run out long before the list of recipients does, even though I swear we haven't made any new friends in at least three years, and the number of cards we order increases. Oh, and don't even get me started on figuring out the logistics for seeing Ryan's family, my family, and friends and relatives who happen to be in town.

I'm actually starting to think it's my starting early and feeling organized that gets me into this jiggle hell each December. It gives me a false sense of security, and makes me think I'm ahead of the game. When the cards came in mid-November I thought "I have plenty of time, I don't want to get them out too early." Now I am just hoping my signature is legible and I don't write "fuck" in any of them accidentally -- or at least not the ones going to Ryan's family.

Same thing with gifts. Amazon and I had it all figured out long ago. Of course, Amazon forgot to remind me that Meg has two teachers at her play group, and that two of our friends have new babies in addition to the older kids I am used to buying for. Oh, and it also said nothing about stocking stuffers or the fact I have co-workers. Stupid Internet jerk. I just hope babies and TV news people alike appreciate the glory of holiday M&Ms. After all, they were two for 3 bucks today at the grocery store. I had to growl at some people, but I think I got enough.

As for the family arrangements? I am really thinking next year I am going to hire people who look almost exactly like us and send them out while we go to Fiji.

Actually, I might hire them to do the whole damn thing.

Happy Holidays!

Princess Proliferation

I used to think that Disney Princesses were evil because they give the wrong message to little girls: that you're looks and catching a man are the most important things in the world.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Now, I am not saying the Princesses don't give that message, they most definitely do. I am just saying that is not the real reason they are evil.

The real reason? Because they are on EVERYTHING, and are out to bankrupt the parents of little girls everywhere.

These were add ons. The Princess Nativity is not available -- yet.

Really, the next time you are in the store, ANY store, take a look around. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a product with a princess on it (you shouldn't be swinging dead cats anyway, but that's another post). They are on clothes, shoes, toys, make-up, band- aids, vitamins, books, diapers, cookies, tooth brushes, fruit snacks, and pretty much anything else you can imagine.

Little girls are trained to track them down, too. I swear Disney has a subliminal message in every one of it's movies showing them every princess and the products she is on. Sounds crazy, right? Then how can Meg identify every princess, even though she's only seen two of the movies. Yes, it could be that we went to Disneyland and I pointed them all out, or it could be an evil plot. I think we all know which explanation is more plausible.

It's getting to the point where I am just resigned to see the princesses everywhere, and fork my money over to Disney. We are in the process of buying new tires for our car. My husband and I were discussing options and I asked him if he thought "Tangled" was a better option than "Princess and the Frog." Luckily, Tiana does not have her own brand of steel belted radials -- yet.

If only feminism was still my only concern... After all, it doesn't have a friend named "Toy Story."

Ocupado

When we had a daughter I knew there would come a time when it would be impossible to get her out of the bathroom. I just thought it would start around the age 12 and would be because she was obsessing over her hair, her skin, and her make-up. I had no idea it would start at age two and a half and be because she is (in her words) trying to be "snuggly warm."

Caught in the act...

We live in an old house. It's drafty. We know that. Winter is a time of undershirts, socks, slippers, and more blankets on the bed. Meg, though, apparently needs a little something extra. Not necessarily because she's cold, but because she doesn't have that "fresh from the dryer" feeling. The only place you can get that feeling in our house? The bathroom.

I mean, I guess you could get it in the dryer, but that would be dangerous.

Our bathroom is especially warm for many reasons. It is the smallest room in the house, with the biggest heat vent. It has stone tile that absorbs heat. Oh, and because we have jerky cats who like to destroy toilet paper, the door is always closed. It creates an atmosphere that could be used for raising chicks -- or Meg.

Now, whenever the heat goes on, we hear Meg's little feet running, and the bathroom door closing. When we go in to find her she is always wrapped in the robes that hang on the back of the door, her back to the vent. She is always "snugly warm."

She has even tried to improve the situation, dragging all of the blankets from her bed with her as she heads in there, or bringing a book or two to keep her occupied. We drew the line at the iPad though, at least for right now. After all, we don't want to spend the whole winter with the entire family in the bathroom.

Although that does sound cozy... And clean.

Thank You

First of all, thank you for all of your kind words. Thank God for the Internet, because if you knew what a bitch I am in real life you never would have said them. Kidding. Just kidding.

I am thankful not only for all of you though, strangers scattered throughout the globe who have my back, but also the person who created my back: my Mom.

When all of this was going on my Mom sent me an email and told me to "LIGHTEN UP." I, of course, took this the wrong way, and called her to tell her just how little she knows about me. She, in turn, reminded me about just how much she knows.

My Mom and (baby) Meg. they have the same good heart.

She told me that I need to stop thinking that if I don't do something miraculous and life changing immediately that I should destroy myself. She told me to look at the little things that are actually big. She told me that in telling myself I am a failure that I am missing out on my successes. She told me I am loved, and that sometimes just truly accepting that could be the real key to unlocking happiness and potential.

I guess we never really finish being our parents' children.

I just hope I can be half the Mom to Meg that Ellen has been to me.