Thursday, February 5, 2009

25 Things That Don't Suck

Okay, people, this shit is getting out of control. When the "25 Things" note first hit Facebook it was mildly annoying. When everyone and their dog started forwarding it to me, it got moderately irksome. However, now that this bit of Internet mold is getting attention from the New York Times, it has become a full grown pain in the neck.

The thing is, no one is disclosing anything really good about themselves. It's all just flotsam meant to make the writer appear quirky and childlike. I hate quirky and childlike. Also, none of the information really helps the reader. I mean, really, how many of you read on my list that I am afraid of alligators and thought "wow, I am so glad I read that, the birthday gift I had in mind would have been really inappropriate?" I'm guessing none. I'm also guessing that none of you can remember anything from my list, just as I can't remember anything from yours. That is how unimportant the information is. Imagine though, if the lists had really been meaningful. If every revelation had been about something interesting, or embarrassing, or felonious. Imagine if a list had been written by Tara and me, for the most fascinating friend you never knew you had. Imagine no more.

1. I am Deep Throat. Not the guy that died.
2. I have a large unicorn tattoo on my back that I have no intention of having removed.
3. I have been to China, but didn't see any of it, mostly because of the blindfold.
4. I actually did kill a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
5. I never actually READ that Thomas Pynchon book on my shelf, and neither did you.
6. I once spent a week lost in the Sahara subsisting on nothing but my own recycled urine, and not because I was out of water.
7. I am an octuplet.
8. I am a hermaphrodite.
9. I slept with my husband's father on our wedding day.
10. My husband still doesn't know.
11. Oh, and his brother too, but he's knows about that one.
12. I use Facebook to avoid interpersonal contact while maintaining the illusion I have friends.
13. Most of the people I am friends with on Facebook are people I teased mercilessly in school. I only keep up with them in case I want to do it again.
14. I didn't want to say anything at first,but yeah,those jeans do make your all look fat.
15. I was a cannibal in college, but only because I didn't think temporary lesbianism would freak my parents out enough.
16. I meant to sleep my way to the top, but had to stop in the middle after getting gonorrhea.
17. I think everything looks better bedazzled.
18. When I say something has "gone viral" I'm speaking literally because of the lab in my basement.
19. Remember the east coast blackout a few years ago? My bad.
20. I was in charge of picking McCain's running mate.
21. I claim I can speak Czech, but then I just make up words. I think most people who claim they can speak Czech do the same thing.
22. I'm pretty sure Scientology is the only true religion.
23. I love "The Starland Vocal Band." I still stalk some of them, but only the hot ones.
24. This is not the nose and chin I was born with.
25. I started the "25 Things" note.

Feel free to copy and paste the next time someone tags you for this thing. At least you'll freak the shit out of co-workers, and old junior high classmates who haven't seen you in a while...